A Modest Proposal

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The Air Force trained chimps  for the Mercury Program under the regimen of “operant conditioning,” in which an electric shock was applied to the soles of their feet if they made a mistake

Austin – BE IT REMEMBERED: Our military learned the way to win the Space Race with Ivan was to teach the “specimen” to follow orders and be observant – in short, to attend the mission.

WHEREAS: It has come to the attention of the Biker Community that there is something like $15 million in the Motorcycle Safety Fund gleaned from hard-working dudes and dudettes who register their scoots in the Lone Star State, and;

WHEREAS: The funds have as yet been unappropriated for purposes of the safety of motorcycle enthusiasts’ personal safety while riding, and;

WHEREAS: Fatalities and serious injuries continue to mount in the statistical columns of the actuarial charts of the insurance industry, and;

WHEREAS:  Many of the collisions so charted are caused by a failure to see motorcyclists as they proceed with the flow of the traffic on public roadways throughout the Lone Star State, and;

WHEREAS:  Large amounts of folding money are spent each year by riders going through compulsory programs funded by the riders themselves in order to “educate” them that it is very difficult for a motorist to see and take note of their presence as they interact with the traffic in the wiser world of bigger motorcars, and;

WHEREAS:  A large percentage of the aforementioned collisions are adjudged to have been caused by negligence on the part of drivers who are mindful of the fact that it is written that they are supposed to be looking where they are going, and;

WHEREAS:  Somehow, the effectivity of this message seems to be wasted upon preaching to the choir, and;

WHEREAS: It is within the power of the Legislature of the State of Texas to so amend the Highway Safety Code to provide that any motorist found to have failed to observe the right of way of the operators of motorcycles be restrained in a suitable training chair under video surveillance, their bare feet strapped to electrode pedals and electrical shock applied thereto should they fail to observe the proper right of way for operators of motorcycles, the copies of the videos placed in a permanent file, and a special number applied to their license plates so that anyone may look up the record and observe their pain, which, as many generations of American fighting men have been trained while in the Thinking Chinaman position, is merely the sensation of weakness leaving the body, and;

WHEREAS: This method of operant conditioning proved so successful in training the Space Monkeys for flight in the Mercury Program of the Great Space Race;

THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED,

THAT WE THE PEOPLE OF THE LONE STAR STATE OF TEXAS DO HEREBY AND HEREON DECLARE THAT SUCH REMEDIAL TRAINING FOR THE DING-A-LINGS WHO CAN’T ATTEND AT THE WHEEL BE CHARGED NOT LESS THAN $200 PER HOUR WHILE UNDERGOING AVERSIVE OPERANT CONDITIONING AT THE HANDS OF CERTAIN CERTIFIABLY SADISTIC PUBLIC SERVANTS WITH A PROVEN ABILITY TO ENJOY THE PAIN AND SUFFERING OF OTHERS UNTIL SUCH TIME THEY SUSTAIN A HEART ATTACK, BECOME PSYCHOTIC IN THEIR BEHAVIOR, OR VOLUNTARILY AGREE TO RELINQUISH THEIR DRIVING PRIVILEGES FOR LIFE.

As we leap forward into the pages of history, forget not our mission:

LET’S MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

So mote it be.

  • The Legendary

2 thoughts on “A Modest Proposal”

    1. It is a spoof on Jonathan Swift’s column by the same name regarding the Irish Question. My question was why could I not discover and pay my toll. This helped not one bit. I finally found a kind soul at the Highway Department who took pity on me and saved the day. – The Legendary

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